I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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