don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
