Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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