i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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