Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize