we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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