Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
