I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
