i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
