this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize