did you get engaged???
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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