I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
