Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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