no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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