No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
