did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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