did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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