My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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