my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
