I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
