she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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