highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
