No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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