Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
