Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
