I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
