I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize