why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
