"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
