i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
