Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
