yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
