I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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