My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
