I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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