Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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