I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
