I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
