My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize