I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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