I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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