we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and she was petting her beer can
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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