she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Randomize