I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize