I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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