My friends, they love my intelligence
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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