Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
