he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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