Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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