Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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