True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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