theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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