You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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