John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you traded sex for a burrito?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
