Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
