i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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