Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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