yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize