Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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