Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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