I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
