Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When are your genitals available?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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