I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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