Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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