I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
