Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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