My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize