I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize